You can't have your cake.. and eat it too!

If you know me, then you know we have struggled with infertility for two years now.  During this time, we were able to conceive once, but it ended around 6 weeks with a miscarriage.  To say we were devastated is an understatement.  It felt like everything we had been planning for was just ripped away in a single blood test.  At that time, I felt like my world couldn’t get any worse, but we were quick to start trying to get pregnant again.  Little did we know, we wouldn’t get pregnant and almost 2 years later, we are still trying.

If you struggle with fertility, you know exactly the pain and frustration it causes to see others around you get pregnant.  My biggest thing to do deal with, is hearing people say it was “hard” to get pregnant, yet they don’t understand what that word means.  I generally don’t say anything when I hear this statement, but since this is my blog I feel I can vent a bit. 

My questions to someone who had a “hard” time getting pregnant are the following:
Have you ever had to get your blood draw to check for ovulation?
Take medications to even make yourself ovulate?
What about ovulation kits?
Semen analysis?
HSG procedure done?
IUI?
IVF?

If you’ve never done these and still haven’t been able to get pregnant, you don’t understand how “hard” it can truly be.  If you have gotten pregnant in less than a year without extra help, please don’t tell me it was “hard” for you to get pregnant, because let’s be honest, it wasn’t.  Now everyone goes through different things to get pregnant, but you aren’t even consider to have a fertility problem until ONE YEAR of trying things on your own with no success.  That’s right ONE YEAR, not 3 months, 7 months, or even 10 months, but a WHOLE YEAR!

I struggle with dealing with people who are pregnant, not everyone, but some.  It’s hard to be truly happy for someone when you are struggling to even get out of bed in the morning.  I’ll be honest, I have struggled with depression and anxiety when it comes to dealing with our issues.  It’s not that I’m not happy for you if you are pregnant, but I have to be cautious with my feelings.  One phrase or sentence, or even a picture of your pregnant related endeavors can send me into a spiraling hole that my husband later has to drag me out of.  Now I know this isn’t the pregnant person’s problem, this is a me problem, but there is something called sensitivity and tact when dealing with an infertile.

When dealing with a friend with infertility there are a few things to keep in mind.  First off, I’m not going to “break” when you talk to me about things, but remember there is a proper place and time to tell them you’re pregnant.  Sometimes the best way is through an email or to sit with them privately and tell them.  This gives them time to process without having to react to your situation.  For example, my friend “K” informed me she was pregnant.  I have to say, she is truly an awesome person.  She knows what the hubby and I are going through, and instead of me finding out through mass communication, she pulled me aside and talked to me privately.  Now, I couldn’t be happier for her, and I feel amazing being able to call her a friend! 

Second tip, if your infertile friend tells you she can’t handle you talking about your pregnancy all the time, respect that.  I know you’re happy and excited, but sometimes it’s best to talk to your other friends about all the cool stuff (or not so cool stuff) going on.  She isn’t telling you this to be mean, but to be able to keep herself from falling apart.  If you can’t respect that, than you probably weren’t a good friend anyway.  People that respect you, respect your boundaries and if you can’t do this, don't expect for your infertile to have contact with you.

Third tip, we are struggling and we’ve done research, we don’t need to be told to “relax” or try the next biggest thing you read/saw on tv/googled.   Trust me, nothing irks me more than being told to RELAX.  Scientific studies prove just “relaxing” won’t get you pregnant, and since I have been diagnosed with actual problems, relaxing won’t fix them.  

Fourth tip, invite us to things and don’t make us feel worse than we already do.  Nothing hurts more than not being invited to your baby shower or get together, because you may feel like we aren’t happy enough for you.  Being spiteful isn’t nice.  If we expressed our feelings to you and instead of having a conversation with us, and you choose to “retaliate” by not inviting us, don’t expect us to show.  It’s just mean and petty.  If you can’t handle a little bit of truth when I express how I am having a hard time dealing with things, just tell me.

Fourth and last tip for now, I’m hurting and sometimes just checking in to see how I’m doing, means the world.  Sometimes people have a habit of treating people with infertility, like they have an infection.  I process you aren’t going to “catch” the infertility bug from me.  It’s not contagious.  Just send me a text and ask how things are going and if we’d like to hang out . 

Now I know some of you are thinking, “geez, you people are sensitive, just get over it and be happy for everyone.  It’s not their problem—it’s your problem, deal with it.”  To some of you that think that, maybe you lack empathy or sympathy, but my question would be, if you lost your legs and got put in a wheel chair, would you like me to rub the fact that I have legs in your face?  I’m sure you wouldn’t.  Or if you lost a parent, would you like me to tell you how awesome my parents are?  What about if you are getting a divorce, would you like me to tell you how awesome my marriage is?  I’m sure you wouldn’t. 

You can’t always have your cake and eat it too!