Come on APRIL!

Hello loves!!


I know I haven't posted since I informed you all that I was indeed, NOT pregnant.  It's been a bit of a whirlwind and I know I told you all that I would be doing IUI this cycle, but we actually are not.  When I went to schedule my baseline ultrasound, the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted to discuss some things before proceeding with another round of IUI.  Then she told me she couldn't get me in until the next week.  I'll admit, I was a bit frustrated with having to sit this cycle out, but maybe it was divine timing and it just wasn't my time to do another IUI.

Well, I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss some things.  Now I know I told you guys in an earlier post about the uterine abnormality that was found on my HSG, but I honestly didn't know what it was called and I was actually a bit confused on what it was.  I actually have a cross between an uterine arcuate and a septated (partial) uterus.  Here is a picture--- 

Mine are the two that are circled.  The problem with this, is that it can make it harder to implant and can increase chances of miscarriage of the embryo implants at the top of the uterus.  The theory is that the top of the uterus doesn't have a very enriched endometrium, therefore it doesn't provide enough nutrients for the embryo to continue to grow.  According to my physician, mine case isn't the worst he's seen, but he wanted to discuss surgical options.  We talked about if I have another miscarriage, that surgery is an option that he definitely wants to visit, but for now, he doesn't recommend that I have surgery (THANK GOODNESS). 

The second thing that he wanted to discuss, was changing my medications to make me ovulate.  On my first round of IUI I was doing metformin, letrozole and an HCG trigger shot, but I only produced one 18mm follicle.  We discussed potentially switching to Follistim, but due to the cost of the injection alone and the fact that we would be increasing my monitoring (more ultrasounds and bloodwork), which would increase the cost even more, we decided that wasn't a road my husband and I were ready to go down.  We decided to try clomid instead.  Here is the layout for my next round of IUI that should start in April:

Day 1- Period starts, baseline ultrasound to confirm that I don't have any cysts on my ovaries.  Start 1500mg of Metformin.
Days 5-9- 100mg of Clomid
Day 14- Midcycle ultrasound.

The rest of the cycle will depend on my midcycle ultrasound.  If you remember, my last midcycle ultrasound was on day 12.  We realized that I didn't respond the medication as quickly as others do and that I'm not actually ovulating til much later in my cycle, so he switched my days around.

My doctor seems positive that IUI will work for us and he told me he just knew I was going to get pregnant from IUI alone, but first, we needed to beat up Mother Nature a bit.

I hope everyone has been well & have a safe St. Patty's Day weekend!

No Bun & No Cake

As much as I didn’t want to write the post, I knew I had to.  You can tell just by the title that my IUI this month was a big fat FAIL.  If you remember my post from last week, you’ll know that I had a feeling it didn’t work.  Even having a feeling it wasn’t going to work, didn’t make it in easier to see a negative pregnancy test.  Negative pregnancy tests never get easier.  I was 14 days past my IUI when I could take my test and of course it was negative.  I went to my doctor’s office the next day to verify with a blood test & my blood test was indeed negative.  To be honest, I didn’t cry.  I cried the day before taking my at home pregnancy test, because I knew it had failed, but after getting both results, I didn’t cry.  I don’t cry at negative pregnancy tests anymore—I get angry.

As a woman, getting pregnant is one of our most basic functions and I’m angered that it hasn’t happened to me yet (other than my miscarriage).  

I thought we were going to take the month off from doing another cycle, but my husband and I decided we could and will try again this cycle.  I started my period today, so that means I’ll go in tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound to confirm that I don’t have any cysts on my ovaries.  If I do have cysts, we will have to cancel the cycle, but if I’m cyst free, I can start my medication on day 3 of my cycle (Thursday).  I’ll be discussing will my physician changing my medication from Letrozole to Clomid.  I only had one follicle last month on Letrozole and my physician wants to see more.  He suggested doing injectable medication, but the cost of that is outrageous, plus I’d be going to more frequent ultrasounds and blood work which will take our 500ish dollars a month to well over 2-3 thousand for a month of IUI. 

I do have one big reservation about taking Clomid—the first and only time I took Clomid, I didn’t ovulate.  I was only on 50mg, so I’ll probably ask to start on a much higher dose to try to get as many follicles as possible.

My doctor also wanted to discuss possibly doing surgery on my uterine abnormality.  I’ll be honest when I say that I don’t want to have surgery.  I have some anxiety thinking about having someone (regardless of how awesome they are) do surgery on the very necessary item you need to carry a child.  What if he makes a mistake and I end up losing my uterus—all those dreams of having children are immediately thrown out the window with a mistake.

Cheers to a new cycle of IUI and praying it works this time!

Progesterone takes the CAKE (IUI cost does too)

 

I need to take a minute to tell you how much I HATE taking progesterone!  Not only do I despise taking medications every day, but I truly despise having to insert something VAGINALLY TWICE A DAY!  It’s the same scenario every morning and night—insert vaginal suppository and PRAY it doesn’t leak everywhere.  It is seriously the messiest medication ever!  If you ever used yeast medication vaginally, you’ll understand my pain, but at least there is an end in sight with a yeast medication—I’ll be on progesterone until at least March 2^nd (if I’m not pregnant) or until the end of my first trimester (which would be sometime in April/May).  At minimum, 2 weeks!  Being tired is truly offensive as well.  I feel like I never get enough sleep.  I could sleep for days on this stuff!  Progesterone can mimic early pregnancy symptoms, so it can be quite confusing trying to differentiate between pregnancy and the most horrible drug ever created (not really).

 

If the physical side effects weren’t enough, let me indulge on the emotional side effects.  I feel like a lunatic. I know my sweet husband agrees!  Not only does it make me feel weepy sometimes, but I lose my composure over the stupidest stuff.  If someone looks at me the wrong way, I want to cry.  It’s pretty terrible and I feel pretty unpredictable at the moment.

 

I’m starting to feel like this IUI didn’t work.  I know I should keep my hopes up, but I don’t know if I’m just feeling hormonal, or if I truly know it didn’t work this go-around.  It’s frustrating having to deal with all these emotions.  And I feel like it’s unfair that I can’t get pregnant naturally.  I feel like I’ve already had so many “fun” pregnancy things taken away from me because of my miscarriage and now I’ll have even more “fun” things taken away. 

 

Something simple like telling my husband I’m pregnant—I can’t make this fun.  I’ll never be able to surprise him with balloons or a cute involved announcement, because as soon as I find out I’m pregnant, there will be blood draw, after blood draw to make sure my numbers are going up appropriately.  It’ll be holding my breath and praying that nothing happens again.  I’ve become a bit unsatisfied when it comes to the whole pregnancy deal.   I’ll have spent so much time and money trying to achieve something that comes so easily for others.   I’m just simply discouraged.  Progesterone, I HATE YOU!

 

If anyone is curious on around the cost of an average IUI for me, here it is:

(I’m lucky enough to have an insurance company that at least pays for some stuff, but not all.)

Medications:
                Letrozole- $10/month
                Metformin-Free at Publix/month
                HCG Injection- $76/month
                Progesterone- $20/month
                Total: $106
Office Visit:
                Midcycle ultrasound- $50
                Follow-up ultrasound- $50
                Total: $100
IUI Procedure:
                IUI procedure (includes office visit, sperm washing, and actual procedure)-$310
                Total: $310

Total for a monthly cycle:  $516 (this does not include additional office visits)

Price to even get to do my first month of IUI (includes initial office visit-50, first semen analysis-100, HSG-700) - $850

Total for my very first cycle of IUI- $1366

That’s a lot of money and that doesn’t include the cost if I have to have surgery for my uterine abnormality. Generally I’ll be just paying the $516 amount monthly, but that depends on if my medications are switched or not.  I think that amount is pretty inexpensive compared to what we could be paying for something like IVF, but it’s still a frustrating concept.  Some women get pregnant for free, have their pregnancy care paid for, plus their child’s healthcare—I’m sitting here having to pay someone to get me pregnant and then I’ll have to turn around and pay for all of my prenatal care and labor/delivery costs, plus my child’s healthcare.

 

Fingers, toes and nose crossed that my IUI worked this time.  PRAYERS are greatly appreciated!

Please Adjust Preheat Time...

Since this blog is about infertility, I decided to tell you my WHOLE story—not just things prevalent to our current endeavors, but why we are here in the first place.  So I’ll start from the beginning.

September/October 2011-  I went off of birth control after my husband and I decided to start a family.  Knowing that I have been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and mild endometriosis (the lining of your uterus, doesn’t just stay in the uterus) we knew we didn’t want to wait too long to start a family.

January 2012- Went to my OB/GYN to discuss our options.  Now I hadn’t been off of birth control for a very long (3 months), but I didn’t want to stay off for a long period of time (the longer I’m off birth control, the  more problems I have with ovarian cysts).  My doctor prescribed me metformin and letrozole—she also suggested a semen analysis.  I started on my medication and held out on doing the semen analysis until we had been trying a bit longer.

February 2012- SURPRISE, I’M PREGNANT.  It took just one round of medication to get pregnant!  Of course, I was over the moon with excitement.  I went to my doctor’s office to get an HCG quant (measures the actual number of HCG in your blood, not just a yes or no like a urine pregnancy test) and was told my number was a 17.  This number is considered a positive pregnancy, but the number is also low.  I should have been 4 ½ weeks pregnant at that point.  Me being me, I didn’t think too much of it and figured the number would go up when I had it checked a week later.  

March 2012-When I went back a week later my numbers should have been in the 100 range (your HCG levels should double every 24-48 hours), but my number was only a 47.  I was told that I would probably start bleeding in the next few days, but I decided to go back in the following day due to some cramping on one side and we wanted to make sure I didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy (where your embryo grows outside of the uterus).  My doctor ordered another HCG quant to check my numbers, my numbers had dropped to 26 (any numbers that are falling are usually considered a sign that you are miscarrying and my numbers had dropped significantly over night).  My ultrasound didn’t show anything except a thickened uterine lining, but it didn’t show a gestational sac.  My doctor told me that I wouldn’t start bleeding within the next few days and she informed me what I would expect with a miscarriage.

If you’ve ever had a miscarriage before, you know the amount of blood and carnage you can have, but seeing how I had never had one, I didn’t truly know what to expect.  Friday was the day of my doctor’s appointment where they informed that I was indeed miscarrying—Saturday I didn’t see and blood, but Sunday morning I started spotting & I thought to myself “this isn’t bad, what a breeze this will be”, boy, was I wrong.  Sunday night I placed a tampon in and went to bed.  I woke up about an hour later because my inner thigh was itching.  When I went to scratch it, I realized my leg felt wet—when I got up to go the restroom I was shocked by the amount of blood there was.  I had blood everywhere.  If you’re easily grossed out, don’t read on.  I then pulled out my tampon and that’s when it truly hit me that I was miscarrying—I had massive clots, like the size of my fist, and they just kept coming out.  Truly horrible.  That had to be the worst experience of my life.

April 2012-November2013- During this time we tried to get pregnant and we were obviously unsuccessful.  Remember that semen analysis my doctor suggested?  Well we never had one, because we figured he was okay because I had gotten pregnant the first time.  Well, it was suggested that we have it done, since it’s much easier to check a male for problems than a woman.

December 2013- My husband did the semen analysis and it came back as azospermia.  Azospermia is a diagnosis of not having a measurable amount sperm in your semen.  His count came back as less than 2 million (a normal sperm count is 40-100 million) with only 19% of it having a normal morphology (morphology checks for shape, how many tails, and how many heads).  To say we were shocked, was an understatement.  It was a time of utter disbelief, sadness, and frustration.  How had we gone two years not knowing there was that big of a problem?

January 2014- We met with Dr. M to discuss our options along with repeating my husband semen analysis.  The repeat analysis was much better, with a count of 10 million.  Dr. M said we could try IUI!

February 2014- I had an HSG done to check for uterine abnormalities and we found a slight problem.  At the top of my uterus there is a pocket, this pocket can make it harder to get pregnant, cause miscarriages and preterm labor.  We were told that if I have another miscarriage, that I would need surgery to correct the problem.  And of course, we did our first IUI this month and we are currently waiting for those results.  We hope and pray for a pregnancy this go around, if not, we will try again!

 

THE TWO WEEK WAIT IS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't have your cake.. and eat it too!

If you know me, then you know we have struggled with infertility for two years now.  During this time, we were able to conceive once, but it ended around 6 weeks with a miscarriage.  To say we were devastated is an understatement.  It felt like everything we had been planning for was just ripped away in a single blood test.  At that time, I felt like my world couldn’t get any worse, but we were quick to start trying to get pregnant again.  Little did we know, we wouldn’t get pregnant and almost 2 years later, we are still trying.

If you struggle with fertility, you know exactly the pain and frustration it causes to see others around you get pregnant.  My biggest thing to do deal with, is hearing people say it was “hard” to get pregnant, yet they don’t understand what that word means.  I generally don’t say anything when I hear this statement, but since this is my blog I feel I can vent a bit. 

My questions to someone who had a “hard” time getting pregnant are the following:
Have you ever had to get your blood draw to check for ovulation?
Take medications to even make yourself ovulate?
What about ovulation kits?
Semen analysis?
HSG procedure done?
IUI?
IVF?

If you’ve never done these and still haven’t been able to get pregnant, you don’t understand how “hard” it can truly be.  If you have gotten pregnant in less than a year without extra help, please don’t tell me it was “hard” for you to get pregnant, because let’s be honest, it wasn’t.  Now everyone goes through different things to get pregnant, but you aren’t even consider to have a fertility problem until ONE YEAR of trying things on your own with no success.  That’s right ONE YEAR, not 3 months, 7 months, or even 10 months, but a WHOLE YEAR!

I struggle with dealing with people who are pregnant, not everyone, but some.  It’s hard to be truly happy for someone when you are struggling to even get out of bed in the morning.  I’ll be honest, I have struggled with depression and anxiety when it comes to dealing with our issues.  It’s not that I’m not happy for you if you are pregnant, but I have to be cautious with my feelings.  One phrase or sentence, or even a picture of your pregnant related endeavors can send me into a spiraling hole that my husband later has to drag me out of.  Now I know this isn’t the pregnant person’s problem, this is a me problem, but there is something called sensitivity and tact when dealing with an infertile.

When dealing with a friend with infertility there are a few things to keep in mind.  First off, I’m not going to “break” when you talk to me about things, but remember there is a proper place and time to tell them you’re pregnant.  Sometimes the best way is through an email or to sit with them privately and tell them.  This gives them time to process without having to react to your situation.  For example, my friend “K” informed me she was pregnant.  I have to say, she is truly an awesome person.  She knows what the hubby and I are going through, and instead of me finding out through mass communication, she pulled me aside and talked to me privately.  Now, I couldn’t be happier for her, and I feel amazing being able to call her a friend! 

Second tip, if your infertile friend tells you she can’t handle you talking about your pregnancy all the time, respect that.  I know you’re happy and excited, but sometimes it’s best to talk to your other friends about all the cool stuff (or not so cool stuff) going on.  She isn’t telling you this to be mean, but to be able to keep herself from falling apart.  If you can’t respect that, than you probably weren’t a good friend anyway.  People that respect you, respect your boundaries and if you can’t do this, don't expect for your infertile to have contact with you.

Third tip, we are struggling and we’ve done research, we don’t need to be told to “relax” or try the next biggest thing you read/saw on tv/googled.   Trust me, nothing irks me more than being told to RELAX.  Scientific studies prove just “relaxing” won’t get you pregnant, and since I have been diagnosed with actual problems, relaxing won’t fix them.  

Fourth tip, invite us to things and don’t make us feel worse than we already do.  Nothing hurts more than not being invited to your baby shower or get together, because you may feel like we aren’t happy enough for you.  Being spiteful isn’t nice.  If we expressed our feelings to you and instead of having a conversation with us, and you choose to “retaliate” by not inviting us, don’t expect us to show.  It’s just mean and petty.  If you can’t handle a little bit of truth when I express how I am having a hard time dealing with things, just tell me.

Fourth and last tip for now, I’m hurting and sometimes just checking in to see how I’m doing, means the world.  Sometimes people have a habit of treating people with infertility, like they have an infection.  I process you aren’t going to “catch” the infertility bug from me.  It’s not contagious.  Just send me a text and ask how things are going and if we’d like to hang out . 

Now I know some of you are thinking, “geez, you people are sensitive, just get over it and be happy for everyone.  It’s not their problem—it’s your problem, deal with it.”  To some of you that think that, maybe you lack empathy or sympathy, but my question would be, if you lost your legs and got put in a wheel chair, would you like me to rub the fact that I have legs in your face?  I’m sure you wouldn’t.  Or if you lost a parent, would you like me to tell you how awesome my parents are?  What about if you are getting a divorce, would you like me to tell you how awesome my marriage is?  I’m sure you wouldn’t. 

You can’t always have your cake and eat it too!

First IUI-- piece of CAKE!

Literally!!  A piece of CAKE!  I was shocked at how easy/fast the procedure was.  If you haven't had one before or don't know anything about it, I'll explain:

I'll start at the beginning of my journey--

• Period starts, day 1 of the cycle
• Medications
• Days 3-7 letrozole 5mg (helps ovulation)
• Every day 1500mg of metformin (Glucophage)
• Day 10 of my cycle I had an HSG done.  This is where they insert a catheter into your cervix and insert dye into your uterus to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes and uterine abnormalities.  Mine showed a slight problem with my uterus that may require surgery to fix, but Dr. M assured me we could try this cycle with IUI, but if I have another miscarriage we will have to revisit the surgery option.  By the way, this procedure hurts like HELL and was certainly NOT a piece of cake! 
• Day 12- Midcycle ultrasound.  This checks for follicle size.  Generally a lot of people will trigger this day, but my follicles weren't big enough to do this yet.
• Day 16- We rechecked my follicles and I had one that was big enough to use.  We had hoped for more follicles, but one is truly all you need.  We decided that I would trigger my follicle to release on this day.  So, I had to check an ovulation kit at 5pm, if it was positive, I would give myself the trigger and do the IUI the next day, if it was negative I would do the trigger at 10pm and do the IUI two days later.  I ended up triggering at 10pm.
• Day 18-  IUI time!  We had to be there at 8am to drop off a semen sample--after dropping the sample off we had to wait 1 hour for them to prepare the specimen for use.  During this prep they do something called washing.  Washing the sperm, gets rid of all the "bad" sperm and leaves the good ones.  When we first found out one of our problems, we didn't think that we would even be able to use IUI, but today was an amazing day.  His counts were super great--compared to what they were when we first found out.  Now comes the "fun" part.  After they prepare the specimen it's GO time-- the place a speculum in and prep the cervix, they then place a catheter and slowly push in the sperm sample.  After the sample has been placed, I had to sit for 15 minutes and then I got to leave. 

I would repeat this process, because it was so easy.  Now I pray I don't have to, but if necessary, I would.  Now I get to use progesterone suppositories for the next 2 weeks & if I'm pregnant the next 10 weeks.  So if I seem a bit "hormonal", just give me some CAKE!

Who wants cake?

As I sit here, on the eve of my first IUI (intrauterine insemination for those that don't know. Google it!), all I can think about is food. Yes. Food. As you can tell from the title of the blog, I love food, especially cake! You may find it funny or weird that when I'm taking such a huge step in the fertility process, all I can think about is food, but I'm here to tell you its probably not for the reasons you think.

Failure.

That's why I'm thinking about cake. If this procedure doesn't work, I'm thinking about what kind of cake I'll use to drown away the big F word with.

We started our fertility journey over two years ago & the only thing I have to show for it, is a bigger jean size. Oh & I might have a touch of bitterness, but I'm still pondering that.

With a garden variety of problems, we have come to the point of trying IUI and to be honest, I'm scared.

Please send CAKE, because apparently I'm not able to bake it!

Goodnight, lovely people!